If you’ve never been involved with a devious, pathological lying, self-centered, offensive partner, you may not know what you’re handling with.
When you meet a rude character, you may buy his charisma, bullying and phony façade while he minimized his indifferent and uncertain attitude. Maybe you doubt your intuition that your partner is dishonest to you, humiliate and command you. Worse yet, he may assure you that you are overreacting and insane.
You can be in an intensely insulting relationship with a partner, male or female friend, family member, boss or colleague.
The offender goal is to influence and command with the emotions, and the attitude of his victim. Hidden abuse is camouflaged by actions that seem usual, but it is clearly dangerous and dishonest.
The abuser precisely chips away at your spirit, attitude and dignity with his quiet hints, unnecessary dishonest, attribute, accusing and denial.
The abuser supports an atmosphere of anxiety, bullying, insecurity and weakness. He firmly pushes you to the corner with his trickery, cynicism, and battering until you explode in rage and then you become the “bad person” giving him the munitions he needs to defend his dangerous acts.
If you are experiencing any of the following things, you’re in an emotionally abusive relationship:
Attacking and blaming:
He transfers the authority and the intensity onto you for the problems in your relationship. He says things, like: “It’s your fault.” What’s wrong with you?” “You didn’t remind me.” “Nothing I do is ever enough.”
Sanction by withholding: He decline to listen, he avoid your questions, he refuse eye contact and he gives you the “silent treatment.” He’s punishing you! He may refuse to give you clue about where he is going, when he is coming back, about budgetary resources and check payments. He withholds authorization, gratitude, devotion, facts, thoughts and perception to lower and supervision you.
Obstruct and amusing:
He guides the dialogue by ignoring to argue about an issue, or he inappropriately breaks the conversation. He spin your words, he watches TV, or he walks out of the room while you’re talking. He blames you in a way that causes you to fight for yourself and lose sight of the initial dialogue.
He dislikes and disagrees with your thoughts, perceptions or your knowledge of life itself. No matter what you say, he uses negative arguments to discourage you and tear you down. If you say, “It’s a beautiful day,” he’ll say, “What’s great about it, the weather’s crappy.” If you say you like sushi, he’ll say, “Are you kidding, it’ll give you parasites.”
He denies your struggle of his abuse. He tells you that you’re susceptible or that you’re imagining things or that you can never be satisfied. He deforms the truth, causing you to doubt your awareness and the truth of his abuse.
Verbal abuse is often unrecognizable as jokes. The abuser provokes, ridicules and disgrace you with arrogant opinion about your appearance, character, capability and beliefs. He makes fun of you in front of your friends and family because he knows you will stay away from a public conflict. If you tell him to end, he tells you that you are too emotional or you can’t take a joke.
He uses a mixture of misstatement, criticizing, forgetting, stonewalling and refusal, frustrate and run you to the edge of lunacy. He disagrees with the truth and spins your words, putting you on the defense. He wants you to second guess yourself, question your real world and your capability to reason.
Judging and criticizing:
He brutally and unreasonably blames you and then he passes it off as “effective” blame. If you object, he tells you he is only trying to support you in an attempt to make you feel contradictory and wrong.
He breaks his promises and he fails to follow through on arrangements. He diminishes your work, activities, specialties, accomplishments and concerns. He mumbles your thoughts and suggestions. If you suggest a restaurant or a vacation destination, he says, “The food is awful at that place!” and “Why would you want to go to Florida; it’s nothing but a tourist trap!”
He “unexpectedly” forgets the things that are valuable to you. He forgets to make a domestic adjustment or buy tickets to the movies. By doing this, he’s saying, “I’m in charge of your life and existence.”
Abusive behavior is not always spoken. Your partner may use body language or actions to control and lower you. For example:
- Ignore to speak or make eye contact
- Moping, walk pompously, posturing and hobbling out of the room
- Boredom-crossed arms, showing aversion, rolled eyes and frowning
- Inappropriate sounds, deep sighs, words like, “Soooo!”
- Beating or kicking something or driving dangerously to scare you
- Eliminating or restraining emotion to punish you
- Patronizing, joking about your point of view, mimicking or smirking
- Disturbing, avoiding, not listening, decline to respond
- Distorting what you say, provoking guilt, or playing victim