Aries: March 21st – April 19th
Your spontaneity would be the death of you. Maybe you’d let a hitchhiker pick you up. Maybe you’d agree to stay at a new friend’s place so you didn’t have to book a hotel for the night. You would get too close to a complete stranger that turned out to be a serial killer and end up chopped into little pieces.
Taurus: April 20th – May 20th
You would get completely wasted (something that’s rare for you to do) and commit some ridiculous crime that has to do with one of your exes. You’d trespass on their property. Toilet paper their house. Break into their house. Steal beer from their fridge or kidnap their dog. And then you’d either end up with a restraining order or with a bullet in your stomach.
Gemini: May 21st – June 20th
You would lose a bet. Owe someone money. Piss the wrong person off. Then you’d end up getting rolled in a carpet and tossed in the ocean. You would become a gangster movie cliché.
Cancer: June 21st – July 22nd
Your kindness would be a fatal flaw. You’d stop your car to help someone stranded on the side of the street or offer a ride to a complete stranger. And then they’d stab you, steal your money, and leave your body behind for the police to find.
Leo: July 23rd – August 22nd
You’d die, because you’re too stubborn. You’d get held up at gun point, threatened, beaten to a pulp — and you would still refuse to hand over your wallet. You would die trying to defend yourself.
Virgo: August 23rd – September 22nd
You would die randomly. Some psychopath would cross your path and decide that it’s a good day to ruin lives. You wouldn’t be able to avoid it. It would just be your luck.
Libra: September 23rd – October 22nd
You would be a victim of road rage. You’d be in a rush and cut someone off, or give the finger when someone else cut you off, and then they’d follow you home to see where you live. If you were lucky, they’d smash up your car. Otherwise, they’d take that anger out on you.
Scorpio: October 23rd – November 21st
You would get involved with the wrong people. Maybe you befriended a drug dealer. Maybe you befriended a drug user. Either way, someone would get high and hurt you on accident and then cover it up instead of admitting they fucked up.
Sagittarius: November 22nd – December 21st
You would hook up with the wrong person. You would find someone sketchy on Tinder or late night at the bar and go back to their place against your better judgement. And then your head would end up in their freezer.
Capricorn: December 22nd – January 19th
You would be murdered by someone close to you. You’d let your guard down around them, because you wrongfully trusted them, and then they’d have a chance to make their move. Maybe while your back was turned. Maybe while you were sleeping.
Aquarius: January 20th – February 18th
Social media would screw you over. You would put a little too much information online, just enough for some psychopath that’s obsessed with you to find out where you live. They would stalk you. And then they would kill you. All because they love you.
Pisces: February 19th – March 20th
You would get into a fist fight with the wrong person. It would start with thrown drinks and scattered punches — and then it would escalate. They would pull out a knife or a gun and you’d realize you messed with the worst possible person.