How To Love In Old Age

We all start to experience love right from our childhood. In a toddler’s life, their parents are the only individuals who are the most important one. Toddlers feel secure when their parents are around them and the availability of their parents is necessary for their well-being. A toddler’s brain gains maturity when they are about 3 years.  A toddler’s brain experience love as wonder and joy at the beginning, but eventually, start conflicting and feels the pain to see a vast difference between their perspective of love and others feeling about love. Adult love emerges from the human values of kindness, compassion and from their preference for growth.

A toddler is always fascinating, joyous, innocent, and in spite of their temper tantrums, they are loved by the adults for their curious, wonderful, fascinating,  and fun-loving nature. But when the toddler’s brain comes under stress they tend to become impulsive, reactive, self-centred and often demanding.

When we are engaged in a love relationship our mind actually behaves like a toddler’s brain. Whatever wonderful things happen to us in our lives during childhood, are exposed by us in our love relationship. There is a difference between the toddler brain and an adult brain in showing their intimacy to their loved ones. The toddler’s brain wants their partners to think and act the same way as they do. Just as a toddler feels happy if you see and feel the world around from their eyes.  They can understand the mental condition of their loved ones what they feel when they are rejected and betrayed by them, but their toddler’s brain fails to mirror the fragile sense of self-embodiment.

Toddler’s brains are easily attracted to love

There is a saying that, “Love is easy; relationships are hard”. The reality lies in the fact that as the toddler’s brain is easily prone to love so relationships are hard for them. Let us discuss from the biological aspect, why love is easy whereas relationships are hard to maintain? Love occurs due to euphoria and massive energy flow to hormones like vasopressin and oxytocin, which may be further explained as the leading reason for the sexual attraction.

They often make us feel that we are on the top of the world and everything around us is fascinating and very wonderful. We sometimes forget to eat and sleep. And then there is a hyper-focus of our love. We start to think about our loved ones as the best and cannot focus anything beyond her. Mostly it is observed in couples that they are so deeply absorbed in one another that they even forget to start with their starters in a restaurant.

They remain oblivious to the sight and the sound around them. The toddler’s brain prefers bonding as the principal way of discerning other people. When the toddler falls in love, the best emotional states are attributed.

The love between the two partners starts to decrease when the intensity of the causing hormones decreases. We start to notice all the unlikely aspects within our lovers. We stop to see the idealistic attribution of our beloved which once made us attracted towards them. It is not always that we don’t like our loved ones at all or do not find any good qualities in them, but it is just that at the beginning we found all the best qualities which we dreamt in our beloved.

In short, the perfect person would be the right definition for the loved ones.  But when day after day the definition turns to be incorrect then the self-possessed toddler brain cannot stop projecting. If it feels anything bad about the loved ones then the negative qualities of that person become more focused and prominent. It may disappoint the other individual also. Now, this becomes the main cause of quarrel between the couples in their second year of living together. This gives rise to Grand Human Contradiction, and they start struggling in the wrong part of their brains to balance their relationship.

What is Grand Human Contradiction?

Human beings are considered as the best and unique among the other animals in the field to balance two opposing drives.  They are free to decide on their own thought and enjoy the freedom to think and create independently. They also want themselves to connect with the thought, and feelings of others (significant others). They want to trust on significant others and at the same time want themselves to be trusted by them.

Other social beings who live in groups and forms primary emotional bonds have a comparatively low sense of individuality to defend from others or to insist others. The animals are free and independent by themselves and do not make any emotional bonds with other animals. Their bond is only found with their mothers when they were mere babies. It is only the human nature and their way of love which make them more intimate with their partners.

They expect the same bond and attraction from their partners as well. Often their too much love for their loved ones destroys their other relationship.The competition for independence sometimes becomes so strong that it can be seen in the very toddlerhood.

Toddlerhood is the initial and primary stage of development in which a child can understand how different he/she is from the caregiver. Here they become conscious of the emotional states which are different from those of their parents. Previously the toddlers felt secure and comfortable with their parents by merging with the emotions of their parents. But gradually they become aware of the emotional states which differ from their parents.

This difference gives rise to curiosity and excitement on one hand but on the other hand, endanger the comfort and security that a toddler gets from his parents. Now they struggle with an incomplete sense of self-prone which leads to a negative identity. Their own identity remains unknown to them and when they grow up they find themselves that they are not the same what they wanted to be. And they have become not those whom you wanted them to be.

The increasing emotional difference with their parents gives birth to hostility towards their parents. The toddlers eventually feel mentally uncomfortable, guilty, and ashamed of themselves. Internal conflict is common among toddlers as they do not have the self-regulatory power of the adult brain. This shame and guilt of the toddler’s brain give rise to deep emotional discomfort. They start feeling bad about themselves.

For nurturing true love one has to learn the skill of switching into the adult brain under stress. The toddler brain which is more susceptible to blame others and retreat from others should be changed to the adult conception of love which has the qualities of improving, protecting and appreciating their loved ones.